Chain Letters

The Living Letter Theory

by Robert Kopp III (
written 19 Jul 1994

This article is classified "Fictional"

Chain letters are letters that possess many of the characteristics of
living organisms.  They eat people's energy, their address list changes,
and they reproduce.  It is for this reason that many biologists working
for the Galactic Postal Service have classified them as a living species,
Letterus chainus.  This theory is known as the Living Letter Theory.

Chain letters are believed to have evolved as a parasite on a small planet
orbiting a star in the Orion Nebula.  Using bribes of good fortune, they
were able to get their host, a now-extinct Zquackle-descended life form,
to beam them to other planets.  They have used similar methods to spread
throughout the galaxy.

Chain letters have caused the extinction of many sentient life forms
throughout the galaxy.  Among these are the Mechanical Pencils of Tau
Ceti VI, the Small Furry Creatures of Proxima Centauri III, and the Grass
of Epsilon II.

Currently, the life forms of the galaxy are attempting to exterminate this
little-noticed but dangerous animal.  Chain letters have been outlawed
throughout the galaxy, but we are still not safe.  Chain letters possess
their unsuspecting hosts, causing them to be a mere tool in their
reproduction process.

Do not let this happen to you!  Among the signs of possession are:

          1) Going without sleep for over 48 hours
          2) Severe eye strain
          3) Severe wrist strain
          4) Unquestioning obedience to superiors
          5) An urge to hitchhike on a pair of coconuts

If you are experiencing one or more of these signs, see your doctor
immediately.  Possession by a chain letter can be fatal!

See also:
  • Galactic Postal Service
  • Important Tips For Youngsters

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